For years I’ve known I should be a writer if only to let out
all the clutter locked in my head. Some say I am even a pretty decent one
(we’ll let you be the judge) but for whatever reason it has always been fear that
has kept me from actually embracing this craft. Fear of what, I’m not sure
exactly, but gut tells me it is fear to truly know myself.
You see, I come from a pretty frightful childhood and
although I pretend it is not so, deep down I have low-self esteem and feel
unworthy. My children saved me in so many ways, gave me a purpose and I was
finally good at something, but as they grew older they surpassed me on so many
levels, that that bad feeling inside grew stronger. They are beautiful girls,
strong, funny, smart and independent and I am very proud of them but every
mistake I ever made with them eats me like a cancer. Now that they have grown
and left the house I find myself wandering, lost and scared about who I am and
where I go from here. Facing an uncertain future with my husband who has a
debilitating neurological disease hasn’t helped.
It has been a struggle. Who am I now? That person, alone in
my struggles I always felt I was? Or someone who has grown and now faces new
troubles. Plighted to suffer forever, or someone who has conquered, and
although reverted to those old fears on occasion, someone who is strong enough
to take on these new challenges? Obviously, I prefer the latter (minus the
struggles, of course) but strength has become the word I choose to focus on.
I am not religious but would consider myself spiritual. For
ease of understanding, I use the term God – even though my inner self says “Universe”.
For practical purposes I will use God and they say “God will not give you more
than one can handle”. If we take that
for truth then I am prepared for this journey of Parkinson’s because to date I
have dealt with a lot. Child abuse, alcoholism, homelessness, raising two
girls, surgery, the list goes on.
However, life continues and it is a blessing. As I write
this I realize I am not the only one that has ever faced challenges. Hell, my
husband is the one with the degenerative neurological disease, not me. Putting
things into perspective, as I choose to continue on, my only resort is to embrace
the life I have now.
Embracing means I must write. I must write about my own past
(to clear my own conscience – to focus) and I must write about what I (we) are
doing NOW! There is a quote by Robert Holden “Sometimes in order to be happy in
the present moment, you have to be willing to give up hope of a better past”.
This is me in a nutshell. I always felt I was cheated in life, each and every
new obstacle weighs on me heavily, but ultimately what I choose to do in the
here and now is my choice.
I do not want to be a victim of circumstances, as I’m sure
my husband doesn’t want to either, nor anyone else given the opportunity. That is why I am embracing this challenge TODAY.
I must blog in order to help reach people to support our
cause. I must write to help people understand that they are not alone. We all
face the same struggles – regardless of the details of which. I have the
opportunity, NOW, to bow down and say “No, I can’t do this” or step up and face
my fears to help others in their own struggle and know they are not alone.
Again, I choose the latter. If we separate in our oneness,
we are, in fact, alone. Should we choose to branch out and realize we are not
unique in our effort, we realize that we are one TOGETHER. I truly believe in my heart we can create a
force for the greater good. Another expression (sorry) “Be the change you want
to see in the world”. I believe this is my opportunity to be that change.
Truth be told, this is a scary journey. My children are now
off on their own and my husband and I are left selling everything we own to do this 4,500 mile cross-country trek without knowledge of what we’ll do when we get
back. It is daunting feeling. The positive side, we have already met so many
inspiring and hopeful people, our options are limitless.
So, here I am on this new journey. In order for our ride to
be successful I must override my innate fears. Bloggers are an entire community
among their own. The more people I (we) can reach – by writing - the better
chance of success at a positive outcome of our endeavor. Therefore, I humbly
swallow my fears, try to overcome them so that I may write to keep up with the
technology of today and promote our cause.
I respectfully request that you follow us. If you have tips,
hints, ideas, recommendations please share them. Of course, we will always ask
that you sponsor our endeavor with a donation – it must be done – at PDChallenge.com.
In the meantime, I will conquer my fears and continue writing about my own
journey as well as this ride that we’re on.
Peace be with you,
Lynn Roden
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